It’s hard to believe, but after nine months on sale, a reviewer has caught the essence, the spirit of Zombie Turkeys perfectly. It is the Best Zombie Turkeys Review Ever!
Here’s the link to the review on Amazon:
On Facebook, it’s here:
But I won’t make you click these links.
Yes, straight from the darkest depths of Amazon, a Zombie Turkeys review emerges:
Sam Melvin is a reporter with the Midley Beacon, it’s a tiny local paper – with an online presence – run by its penny-pinching editor Lisa Kambacher. When Sam sees the two turkey hunters on the slab in the local mortuary, he knows he has a story to cover and he sets out to do so with great gusto. As the zombie turkeys multiply, Sam and Lisa are the leading media team on the ground and the Midley Beacon goes international, solving their financial woes and syndicating their work across the globe. But it’s not all good news. After all, there are those people-killing zombie turkeys heading into town…
This was a book I picked up with trepidation as it seemed all too possible it would be a ‘one trick pony’ stretching a single joke to beyond breaking point across the length of an entire novel. Wrong! It is like a bowl of potpourri on the sideboard of life – lots of subtle blending examples of humour – many of them very American so I suspect there were even more than I noticed, handicapped by my British perspective. This is a book that takes ironic comedy to a whole new level – maybe ‘steelic’ comedy…? Humour is a very personal thing, but this book hit me right on the funny bone.
‘Wanted badly: .30-06 carbine. Will trade hunting dog or wife for it.’
This is a well-written book which takes a totally deadpan approach to a thoroughly – hysterically – funny sequence of events. It is dark comedy, so avoid if you are squeamish. The pace of the book rolls along in a perfect, unhurried way – screaming up into the action sequences and taking time to enjoy the more delicious moments of humour. The story itself is a lot deeper than many real zombie books and the explanation for the zombie phenomenon is as clever as it is satirical.
The characters are well portrayed, deep enough to engage with and care about, but not so deep you get distracted from what they are doing by their personalities. They are the agents through which we see the events unfolding rather than the focus of the story. But the humour is subtle, all-pervading: like the idea of the survivalist organic turkey farmer, part of a network of such, living off grid – except for ordering things from Amazon on his wife’s credit card of course…
‘The most disheartening thing was, she’d stab one through the heart, it’d drop fifteen feet to the ground with a satisfying thud, and then it’d stagger to its feet five minutes later and fly back up fifteen minutes later.’
The downside is that maybe some of the humour is lost on a non-US reader. There were a couple of moments I thought ‘Huh?’ then decided it was probably a reference to something outside my cultural parameters. The only other criticism I had was that it maybe played the theme along a tiny bit too far and perhaps had a few scenes been a bit shorter, a bit less detail on the way the plague spread, or a couple of turkey attacks left out – it might have been a sharper read. But these are very minor nit-picks against the whole.
This is a book I can recommend wholeheartedly to anyone who enjoys slow-boil satire and does not mind a few gory giblets thrown in the mix. If you want a good comedy read, you should gobble this up!
The New Book Coming My Undead Mother-in-law is now uploaded to Amazon. It’s not quite ready for sale–but that’s coming. You can read it right now, for free.
First, let me tell you a little about My Undead Mother-in-law. It’s volume 2 of my Life After Life Chronicles. It follows the comic urban fantasy Zombie Turkeys. My advance readers all felt this novel is better than Zombie Turkeys. If you liked that, you’ll love volume 2.
Unlike Zombie Turkeys, I focus on people becoming zombies. And unlike Zombie Turkeys, the villain is not a turkey. Just read the book blurb:
My mother-in-law, Diane Newby, zombified by accident. She still volunteers at her church bake sales and cooks pot roast for her daughter and son-in-law, Ron Yardley. What ticks her off is when people don’t treat her like a normal human being—with glowing red eyes and super strength and speed. And if she doesn’t get her own way, look out. She explodes and leaves broken plaster and body parts in her wake. Nothing stops her: not brick walls, the federal government, or middle-aged spread.
But the world’s most powerful criminal plans to control zombies. His only problem with zombies is that they have way too much free will. He has a solution for that. But will it work with Diane Newby?
The world divides into pro-zombie and anti-zombie factions. Battles break out everywhere. Which side will you take? Who will live and who will die?
You might not survive this book. But at least you’ll die laughing.
First, copy this text exactly:
“I promise to review My Undead Mother-in-law on Goodreads and/or Amazon.”
Next, click on the book cover above and go to my contact page. There you’ll paste this text in the message area.
Finally, enter your email so I can send you an electronic copy of my book.
Or, you can just email me, Andy Zach, at firstname.lastname@example.org.
My Amazon home page is here. Just click here to go there and enter your review.
My Goodreads homepage is here. Again, click here to go there and enter your review.
In case you don’t know by now, here’s what I look like.
When we last checked with Zombie Turkeys, they were rampaging in Navy Pier in Chicago. What are the Zombie Turkeys doing now? Your life may depend upon it!
If you’ve read Zombie Turkeys, you know you can’t kill them with guns or shotguns, and barely with flamethrowers, so it behooves you to pay close attention to their doings.
First of all, there’s this bloodthirsty rendition of a zombie turkey:
Then there’s this exciting video of a zombie turkey attack!
I’ve been threatening to create a graphic novel from my book Zombie Turkeys. Now, thanks to my faithful illustrator Sean Flanagan, we’re on our way.
First, the Zombie Turkey novel cover:
Now, for the first time ever, the Zombie Turkey Graphic novel cover:
While we’re on firsts, here are the first and second pages:
How do I top this? Wait’ll you see what’s next!
“Andy! How can you do that? You’re a starving comic urban fantasy author!” you ask.
Thank you for your concern! But don’t worry; I’ll just take money out of my IRA!
But you probably want to know how to get such a treasure, for free. Here’s the secret: Subscribe to our newsletter by clicking here!
You see, every month I have a drawing for my newsletter subscribers where I give away a free book of their choice. There have been five winners so far. You could be next!
But it gets better! If you get your friends to subscribe, I’ll give you credit and give you extra chances to win!
Just send me their emails using your registered email to my email address email@example.com. You can also use my contact page.
That’s all folks!
Here’s an account of my Author Appearance in a newsletter I sent out in the past. All the free offers by me are still good. I also offer free stuff from other authors; I don’t know if their offers still hold. I keep gaining new subscribers to the Zombie Turkeys newsletter. No doubt they want the free stuff I offer with every email. (If you want to get in on the free stuff, click here.)
“You know I love your mother. But your mother’s a zombie. Who wants to see one zombie, let alone four of them?”
“Now that’s not fair. Mom and Dad have adjusted to their zombiism very well. Mom still volunteers at church and bakes cookies and pies for the bake sales. Dad still works as an accountant at GM. There’s nothing to worry about!”
“That covers Diane and George. I know them. I guess I’m ready for them. What about your brother and this new girlfriend of his? I don’t think Don has said two whole sentences to me since I’ve known him!” “He’d never get a word in edgewise, with you Ron. You said yourself; you’ve had diarrhea of the mouth. He and his friend Maggie will be fine.”
“Whatever you say, Karen,” I knew when to surrender. I focused my eyes on the Indiana turnpike ahead.
I glanced at Karen while I drove. Her arms were crossed under her breasts and she looked out the window, away from me. Trying to make peace, I said, “I thought we dodged a bullet when the zombie turkey plague just missed Gary Indiana. I never dreamt this zombie thing would hit our own family.” I said in a carefully neutral tone.
“So far, it hasn’t hit us hard. Life goes on as usual.”
Great! At least she’s talking to me. “As great as it can with glowing red eyes,” I said with a big grin.
“I suppose. I hadn’t really thought about how hard life would be, like that.”
“I have no clue what that’d be like.”
“Clueless from Toledo!”
“Clueless going to Gary.” We laughed. “Remember our rehearsal dinner?” I said.
“Sure. That was six years ago. Hard to believe.”
“Your Mom and I got along fine there. We dominated the conversation, as I recall. I hardly noticed the rest of your family. I do remember your Dad impressing me with his analytical mind. Did Don even talk? He’s like a mute bivalve.”
“Yes, a little, to me.”
“Well, I don’t remember anything.’ I only had eyes for you’,” I warbled.
“Ha! Good thing I didn’t hear you sing before I said ‘I do’.”
“I’m sure you did.”
“I’m sure I wouldn’t notice. I was too amazed I got to marry the ‘Big Man on Campus’, college graduate and internet marketer, Ron Yardley.”
“So why did a beautiful girl like you marry a guy like me?”
“I still don’t think I’m beautiful, just average. You’re the good looking one!”
“Thank you, but you’re wrong. You’re the good looking one. I’m just average.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree.”
We settled into a companionable silence for ten miles or so. Then I said, “I know why I’m so reluctant to meet your family.”
“I did some marketing for the Midley Beacon during the turkey apocalypse last Thanksgiving and then later for author Andy Zach’s book about it, Zombie Turkeys. I saw a lot of bloody photos and videos and read too many gory details. I never liked the idea of pretend zombies, let alone real life ones. I was just glad we missed it in Toledo. Now I’m in the middle of it.”
“Now Ron, meeting my family, even if they’re zombies, doesn’t put you in the middle of another zombie apocalypse.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” That was the ultimate solution to any marital disagreement, I’ve found.
“What’s Don’s girl friend’s name again?”
“Maggie. Maggie Unsicker. Mom said they were going to announce their engagement this weekend, for Valentine’s Day. That’s why we’re going. Remember?”
“Of course. I wonder why so few people have turned zombie? First, there were zombie squirrels, then zombie rabbits, then zombie cows, and finally, a dozen people or so turned zombie.”
“None of those zombies were really numerous like the turkeys were.”
“Thank God for that! What does Maggie do, anyway? Besides play video games like Don, I mean.”
“Maggie’s a phlebotomist and a lab technician at Methodist Hospital in Gary.”
“Phlebotomist. She takes blood samples from people and then runs lab tests on them.”
As we pull up in their drive, I’m reassured by the sheer normality of their three-bedroom suburban home: Green yard, partially covered with snow, evergreen bushes, two car garage. There is no sign zombies live there. Of course, what sign could I expect? A skull and crossbones and ‘Beware of Zombies’? Perhaps a biohazard sign?
Diane greets us at the door. “Hello, my love!” She hugged Karen. Karen barely flinched as she looked into her mother’s bright, red eyes. But she grunted “Ugh!” at the force of her embrace.
“Ease up Mom.”
“Hello Mom,” I said, as I hugged her as hard I as could. She hugged me back twice as hard. “Ugh,” I grunted too. Diane still had blonde-highlighted brown hair, as she had when I first met her. She’d gained a pound or two, though. She smelled of the body talc “White Linen”. I recognized it because Karen and I bought it for her birthday last year, pre-zombie.
Diane seated us on the living room sofa. “Suppers on. I have a nice pot roast for us tonight. Donnie and Maggie should be here soon. George!” She called. “The kids are here!”
A heavy tread down the stairs announced George Newby. His eyes shone red too, but while Diane was built like a middle-aged woman, George was a classic wide-body. His shoulders filled the stairway. You’d think he was a truck driver or a lineman, rather than an accountant.
“Hi, Karen. Hi, Ron.” he rumbled. He hugged his daughter, like he held a baby bird, and shook my hand without hurting me in his bratwurst fingers.His bright red eyes looked squarely into mine.
“I’m so glad you made the trip. You can help us put to rest the ugly rumors that people with zombiism aren’t human. It’s just a disease. It’s not even harmful,” enthused Diane.
“Mom, we love you. You don’t have to convince us.” I said.
“Of course not. I know that. It’s just that we’ve had people talking behind our backs at church and the public health officials trying to pressure us to get the treatment to eliminate the disease.”
“Don’t you want to get rid of it? I think the antibiotics for it are safe and effective.”
“You’d think so, but we actually have never felt better in our lives! I have more energy than ever, and so does George–right George?”
“My arthritic aches and pains have completely disappeared and George’s old football knee injury is all better too.”
Looking out the window, George said, “Don and Maggie just pulled up.”
Entering the room, Don looked like a smaller version of his Dad, with the same squat build. Maggie was also short and plump and attractive in a round sort of way.
I’m glad Karen got all the good-looking genes in the family, I thought to myself.
We sat down to dinner. The pot roast was delicious; Diane had made it with caramelized onions and mushrooms, mixed with carrots and potatoes. Seeing four pairs of shining red eyes around the table twisted my stomach around the pot roast. I wrestled my stomach into submission and tried not to think about it.
For dessert, we had a New York style cheesecake, decorated with a big heart and “Be My Valentine” on the top.
“We have the two old sweethearts, me and George, the recent sweethearts, Karen and Ron, and the new sweethearts, Don and Maggie!” Diane announced enthusiastically. She divided the cake into six equal sections.
“Oh, that’s too much for me!” Karen exclaimed.
“OK, how about half?”
Everyone else ate the big portion of cake. Diane noticed me watch her eat hers and commented, “Our appetite has really picked up recently. We’re eating more, but not gaining weight.”
“That alone gives us reason to stay zombie,” Don spoke for the first time. Becoming a powerful zombie had really brought Don out of his shell.
“Yes, we were talking about people pressuring us to get treatment before you came.”
“Over my dead body!” Don said fiercely and then laughed at the irony.
“That’d actually be pretty hard to do,” Maggie said with a smile. Zombie jokes arose spontaneously around the Newby’s dinner table.
“And now, you two, don’t you have an announcement?” Diane looked at them expectantly.
Maggie looked at Don, raising her eyebrows in question. Or maybe, she meant, ‘She’s your mother.’ “What did you have in mind, Mom?” Don asked with a frown.
“Didn’t you say you’d get engaged this weekend?”
“Yeah, we talked about it, but we don’t see the point. We’re happy living together.”
“You told me you’d propose to Maggie this weekend!” Diane’s outrage crept into her voice.
“Yeah, but I changed my mind.”
“You promised!” Diane stood and yelled, “Don’t lie to your mother!”
“We’re adults,” Don stood too. “We’re allowed to change our minds. And don’t yell at me like a little kid.” Don stood too, glaring. at his mother.
“You’re adults, but you can’t live in adultery. If you ever want to stay in our house, you have to get married!”
“We don’t have to do anything! Let’s go, Maggie.” Don reached to take Maggie’s hand, but Diane rushed to him and grabbed his other hand.
“No, you don’t! You won’t leave until we settle this and you agree to get married!”
“Don’t be silly Mom. You can’t stop me.” He tried to push her away, but she clung burrlike to his arm.
“Don’t make me angry!” she threatened.
Finally, with a convulsive fling, he pushed her across the room. The wallboard dented where she hit. Don looked startled by his own action.
George suddenly stood up, like a mountain rising from the sea. The chair shot out behind him, hitting another section of the dining room and cracking it.
“Don—” he began, firm as a stone.
“So you want to be rough, do you?” Diane’s sudden soft tone was far more chilling than her yelling. Every eye, red and otherwise, focused on her. Diane’s eyes narrowed. George stopped, waiting.
“You asked for it. You’re not hurt anyway.” Don said. He sounded nervous
Once again, I’m publishing for the FIRST TIME my newsletters. These were formerly sent ONLY to my subscribers. And you can become one and stop missing great tips like this. Click here now. Get Free Tax Tips below!
I’m using a new technique to transfer my email to my web post. Let me know how you like it in the comments.
Also, let me know if you like my free tax tips. I’ll give you a free copy of my tax spreadsheet upon request. (Click here to get the spreadsheet and Free Tax Tips.)
Andy Zach held the latest drawing today. His pet phoenix picked out the latest Book Winner. Is it you? If it is, you can select the paranormal comic urban fantasy Zombie Turkeys print or ebook or graphic novel, like the first two pages below:
Or you can select the Zombie Turkeys audiobook. Or you can select the soon-to-be-published My Undead Mother-in-law.
The winners for the past five months are:
Kathi selected a new print copy of My Undead Mother-in-law. The other winners have yet to weigh in. What about you? We have a monthly drawing here for you and all your friends who subscribe. (Click here and enter your email.) Or you can just contact me and I’ll subscribe you myself! (Click here to reach me with your email.)
And if that’s not wild enough, try this:
My real mother-in-law heard Horowitz perform this while she was a little girl in Buffalo NY.
For the Fourth of July I have four tips on blogging, writing, and publishing. First, consider how to become a successful blogger. Here’s the tip:
Here’s another useful book on Amazon, written by another fellow author. This is my second tip on writing. (Click here)
Thirdly, we have this useful article on pacing in your writing:
The fourth tip I have for you is on self-publishing:
Then there’s this new review I wrote this week on fellow author Pauline Marquez’s book, “Worlds of Earth”
You can download it from Amazon here (click):
What do you expect from a comic paranormal animal author? Here’s the last item.
All the time I’ve published Zombie Turkeys reviews, I’ve neglected the Goodreads Reviews. I’ve corrected that today.
The first review reads:
Jacqueline Fairchild This book will not only make you laugh out loud, you will be surprised at the tender moments! You’ll fly right through it and want more. Mr. Zach has a sense of humor we all need!
Thank you, Jacqueline!
The next review says:
I enjoyed this book because it has a unique “twist” on the zombie phenomenon. It’s not “laugh-out-loud” funny, but it’s quite entertaining. Well worth the time to read if you like zombies.
The title of Zombie Turkeys signals this urban fantasy is intended to be entertaining, not to be taken seriously, and likely a comic romp. You can guess there are lots of clever twists in the story, and happily, the execution is more than what readers might expect.
And here’s the new Amazon review:
As of today, the editing is complete! I will send the final version back to my editor, Dori Harrell, for double checking. Now, I just need to do the following:
First, finish the front matter. The ISBN number needs to be assigned from the ten I purchased last year. Then, I add my Dedication page, and my epigraph, a quote that epitomizes the whole book. Zombie Turkeys epigraph was:
“Birds of a feather flock together.
—The Dictionarie in Spanish and English (1599),
which was compiled by the English lexicographer John Minsheu.”
I already have my dedication, and author bio in the manuscript.
Next, I have to get my chapter icons from my illustrator, Sean Flanagan, along with the final version of the back cover. I gave him some last minute changes to it. Here’s the preview:
And here are some preview images of the chapter icons. First, chapter 1:
Another chapter icon follows:
Then the next chapter icon:
And finally, the last one:
Of course, all of these are preliminary and will change with the final book copy.
Finally, I have to send the manuscript to Rik Hall my layout editor and get it back in Kindle and print formats.
Then, at last, I can upload the final manuscripts and book covers to Kindle and Createspace. Then they review them and finally, put them on sale.
What’s the catch? That would be my first question! But this is a genuine free book, paperback or ebook, audiobook or graphic novel when those come out this year. Just click here for Your Free Novel. Then enter your email in the white box and click the Subscribe button.
This’ll get you subscribed to my weekly newsletter. Then you’ll get weekly (today’s the day!) free novel offers AND the monthly drawing (Friday, June 30th!) for my novel. Here’s a picture of me packing one to send:
My Undead Mother-in-law is getting its chapter icons and final edits this week!
And I’ve been busy shoehorning my book blurb onto the back cover:
Yes, my heading is correct: if you win the monthly book drawing this month, you can get the book sent to you. Or, any other month! One of my monthly winners has already selected this print book for their prize. You could too! Click to Subscribe
I’ve scheduled two events for August. On August 1st is my interview on WMBD channel 31 Living Well here in Peoria. If you’re from outside the area, check out my interview on Youtube:
Then on August 5th from 12-3 in Peoria will be my actual book launch for My Undead Mother-in-law. Not only will you be able to get a copy signed by me, Andy Zach, but you can also talk with me and ask Zombie Turkeys and My Undead Mother-in-law questions.
If you’re an author, this could be a handy tip:
Whether you’re an author or a reader this article clearly explains the use of irony. (Spoiler alert: I use irony a lot in Zombie Turkeys and My Undead Mother-in-law.)
Once again, I post one of my newsletters on my blog for your reading enjoyment! Zombie Turkey Fans please note that the free offers in them still hold IF you subscribe to the Zombie Turkeys newsletter. (Click here)
Without further ado, here’s the next installment of the Zombie Turkeys newsletter.
If you’ve been a Zombie Turkeys subscriber, you would know I got Zombie Turkeys Defeated after the previous email they sent. This is my report and an announcement of a free offer for the Kindle Edition of Zombie Turkeys.
Sadly, that offer ended, but soon I’ll offer it for free again on Kindle! Watch this blog, or better yet, subscribe by clicking here. My subscribers get the first notice to all deals. Plus, there’s a brand new offer at the bottom of this post. But take advantage of it today, because it’s only valid for a short time!
Ah! You just skipped everything and scrolled down here to find out what the free offer is. That’s great! Have a free turkey video:
But the free video isn’t the offer; the offer is next.
“So what?” you say. “Why would I want to? And what’s the catch?”
Well may you ask. First, what’s in it for you:
One, a free My Undead Mother-in-law T-shirt.
Two, a free Zombie Turkeys pen.
Three, a free signed copy of My Undead Mother-in-law.
Secondly, you’ve got to tell all your friends about My Undead Mother-in-law when it goes on sale in July. That would be all your Facebook contacts (that you think would want to read a humorous zombie parody), all your Twitter contacts, all your email contacts.
Thirdly, when Zombie Turkeys goes on sale in August, tell the same group that’s free for the taking.
Fourthly, if possible show up in person for the book launch at the Peoria Barnes and Noble store at 12 PM.
If you can’t make that, then make my virtual launch on Facebook.
But act now! The book launch team must be organized this week!
Keep watching for more news!
Oh, and here’s a video of me reading from My Undead Mother-in-law!